What do I say anymore? The last time I tried to get to know a guy, I wasted 10 months of my life. I never got to meet him. Each time he was supposedly in town, as he was a pilot, we never got together. I later learned that everything that I knew about him was a lie.

So now, I've met another guy. Yes, online because that's the only way I know how. I don't have many friends. I don't know how to meet a guy in a regular place. Online is the place for me. So G. is his name, abbreviated of course. He has tried to talk to me for a few years. I've briefly talked to him in passing. Then a few months ago, he IM'd me and I really started talking to him. Maybe it was time for me to start getting to know someone again.

It's been 3 months and I still haven't met him. I do know some things about him such as he is a lawyer for the DEA, he has a house in Bloomington, Boston, LA, and he is from Boston. I know he is adopted. I know he lost his dad a year ago. I know that he says he is interested in me.

Some how I always end up sabatoging any type of relationship. I do it unsubconsicously. I don't know why I do it. G is a good guy. He is busy where as I am not. He is constantly traveling. I'm used to being alone but just getting to know him is difficult. I want to get to know him. I'm trying to get to know him.

I just don't know if I can do another 10 months of getting to know someone and not meeting them. I need that connection. I just have a lot of things on my mind. Not that I have readers out there as I have lost touch with anyone of the Xanga community. At least for me this avenue of not having anyone really reading this helps me. It's just me and any random person that chooses to read it.

Below is G. He is a good looking guy. And for a good looking guy like him to be interested in me is a big thing. I just needed to clear my head. {sigh}

Red Flags

Why is it that the more red flags a guy has, the more I'm into them???

I know I reek of desperation. I know I'm annoying. I know I'm too honest with what I want and what I expect. I wish someone would just list all of my faults, everything I do wrong, and everything I do right and what is good about me. Then help me take the negatives and turn them into positives. Help me find friendships, be able to have a guy talk to me, stay interested in me, and have more than a first date.

"I never got to show him my 'A' game. I didn't even get to show him my 'B' or 'C' game. All he saw was my 'D' game....as in 'D' for desperation."

Flaws

So I know I have flaws? and it seems when a guy finds out my flaws, they dont know how to handle any of them, freak, get scared and run away. I know some of my flaws are extreme and not what a guy would be expecting. But still every guy to run away? ugh...staying positive about my flaws and that things will get better. Turning 26 sucks by the way. Each year it gets harder and harder to find someone to date. Everyone I know is married, getting there, have someone seriously, and no single friends. Yea it sucks lol

Even my family thinks I have horrible taste in men

Carrie and Mr. Big. aka Ashley and Jon. As I'm watching an episode of Sex and the City, I realize that Jon and I are so much like the characters in the show. A love/hate relationship. Wanting to be with each other then when we are together wanting to not be with each other. It's crazy. Though we technically haven't seen each other in 6 years, we still keep in touch. I know he still loves me. He freakin' compares me to every girl he dates. I keep telling to stop that because he won't find the one he needs to be with.

I've only let my family meet 3 guys that I have ever dated. Two of them I would give anything to get those days back of not meeting my family. I regret that all the time. I have the worst taste in men it seems like. I've never asked what they thought of Jon. Granted, he and I dated for a very short time. It just amazes me the kinds of guys that I have dated.

And another crazy thought is that I don't even truly know if I was ever in love with him or loved him. I mean I do love the guy but that love has grown over 7 years. I've changed. He has changed. I don't really know him anymore. I don't know how to talk to a guy anymore and get to know them. My trouble is being easy and going way to fast which ends me no where except alone. It happened with him and it will continue to happen.

I wish I could either close this chapter of my life or enjoy it. He doesn't live here. Even if he did, he would be 3-4 hours away. Near his family is where he needs to be. Near Chicago but on the Indiana side like it was before. He has talked about it for a few years but I know he is afraid. I don't want him to move back here for me. He needs to make that decision on his own and for the right choices. If he ever does move back, I would feel awful if he did and we started dating again then possibly things not working out.

I don't even know if I want him. He has been annoying me like crazy calling and texting. Now I understand why the guy I currently like here in town is annoyed at me since I was like that. Not as bad as I have been in the past but I know this current guy needs his space. But Jon does it when he is sad and lonely. I guess we are both each other's crutch. Even several years ago when I was in college and depressed, he said he never wanted to talk to me again. I was hurt but moved on. Who contacted whom first? Yep, he contacted me.

Maybe he is more in love with me than I will ever be with him. It makes me cringe a bit because if he really did love me that much why hasn't he taken any kind of action to be with me? I don't know.

I know Carrie and Mr. Big end up getting together, at least in the movie. I just don't know if I want to do this for too much longer. I turn 26 at the end of the month. If I remember right, he is turning 30 at the end of the year. Maybe he is feeling the squeeze of wanting to settle down. Or maybe he just doesn't know what he wants and the same with me.

I'm learning to figure out what my red flags are. It's a crazy thought but I have to in order to gain back my life. I don't mind being single but yes it does suck. I'm never going to be the person he wants anyhow. So maybe to change things for the better and for myself, not for anyone else, I have to figure out why I have these red flags. I need to figure out what triggers things and how to diminish them. Struggling but I'm going to do it.

Two year stretch

I wish I had something more to say than just my boring, pathetic life. The ups and downs of my depression. The thoughts of wanting to die, not suicide, contemplate me from time to time. The realization of stupid, abusive, not real relationships with guys. And the craziness of my co-worker that makes me want to find a new job. But that's all I have.

I have no friends I regularly hang out with. I have few friends I text every day or every few days. But some don't live near me to hang out. Some live hours away. Some live states away. I try to keep in touch with those friends I talk to maybe every month or more. I try. It seems like that is all I do is try. No success. No hanging out. Every weekend the same thing. Me at home catching up on my long-winded tv shows that I record through out the week. Or working my four hour shift on every other Saturday. Naps and cleaning my already clean apartment take up my weekend. I even try meeting guys but that never works out. Nine times out of ten, I end up pissing off the guy before meeting, having a date, or anything. Nine times out of ten when a date is actually set, I get stood up.

I want more. Why wouldn't I? I kind of figured last night my social life goes in spurts. Every two years, I have a social life. Then for whatever reason that ends up always being my fault, I have no social life for two years. I don't know why it is. I don't know why my life is like this. It's been just over a year of my non-social life part. I still have more time to go before I reach that two year mark. I know it sounds stupid and contrived.

This blog started out as me just wanting to write. Me wanting to have my creative side come out. But it didn't. I feel like all interests are gone. Nothing seems exciting anymore. Again, I know during my non-social two year stretch, it was like this.  On a upper note, I don't feel sad every day. I am happy, as crazy as it sounds. I wake up each morning with a smile on my face. I do look forward to the day even if that means a crazy and/or boring day at work, not having much for me at home, and/or a boring weekend with nothing to do. It sucks that most hobbies do cost money. I would LOVE to do a swimming aerobic class or a creative writing class or any type of class that does spark my interest. But with the fact that my I'm swimming in bills, it doesn't help.

I know people see me as annoying. I hate that I am annoying on some levels. I guess I just have to wander through this world alone.